OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize