Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
