Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
