There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
