Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
