Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
