Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
