I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
