I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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