New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
