other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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