mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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