so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize