Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
