Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
