Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
