The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
