Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
