and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
