Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
