Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize