Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize