you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
