I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
