My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
