I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
