i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
