Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
