I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
