you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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