so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
