from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
