Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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