Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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