He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
