I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize