i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
