I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
