Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
