please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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