there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize