I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize