My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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