just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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