this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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