Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
