R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
