how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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