so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
