i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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