can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
