It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize