Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
