I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
