just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
