my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
