a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
